"A Modest Proposal on the Origins of Life"

NOTE: The following is meant to be satire in the style of Swift's "A Modest Proposal." For those not of the English major mold, "A Modest Proposal" jokingly advocated cannibalism to solve the problem of starvation and famine. Some people just didn't get it and thought Swift was actually serious, sort of like the Kansas School Board who thought that their new "science standards" were serious science. It is not meant to be my personal views on Intelligent Design, Creationism, or Evolution in any means, shape or form. I wouldn't be surprised is someone posted a comment calling me an idiot supporting ID/Creationism or a Godless person who supports the "flawed theory of Evolution." With that said, enjoy this piece.

"A Modest Proposal on the Origins of Life"

by

Jonathan Swift the Fifth

After nearly nineteen years of state funded education (elementary school to law school), I have learned several important lessons. First, the state of Kansas can find money for the interstate system, but never enough to properly fund for education. Second, teaching is not a blue-collar profession, but a no-collar profession, as most do not make enough to buy a shirt with a collar. Third, and most importantly, many years of studying rarely prepares you for real life. A stint as a bartender would be more helpful.
The state of Kansas has become the laughing stock of the nation, and not for the inexplicable choking by the Jayhawks against Bucknell. No, it is because of the Intelligent Design-friendly science standards. People have mocked Intelligent Design with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Popular Science called the Kansas high school science teacher the third worst job in science.
By the time this gets published, the Kansas School Board will have appproved of the new standards that will go into effect in 2007. Listing the pros and cons of Intelligent Design and evolution and the basic descriptions of each theory would be long and really boring. No one but masochists and those with a penchant for sesquipedalian words (really long words) like "phylogenetic tree" would enjoy such explanations. Instead, I would like to make a modest proposal on scientific standards. I am considering making this proposal to the Kansas School Board as a viable option.
I am proposing the addition of the panspermia hypothesis to the new science standards. This hypothesis states that the seeds of life are prevalent throughout the universe and life on Earth began by such seeds landing on Earth and propagating themselves. A less radical form is exogenesis, which states that life originated elsewhere in the universe and was transferred to Earth. It does not state how prevalent life is in the universe.
Panspermia and exogenesis have two advantages over Intelligent Design. Panspermia and exogenesis have two renowned scientists as major proponents. Fred Hoyle and Chandra Wickramasinghe, in the 1970s, discovered traces of life in the dust around stars. Fred Hoyle is known for his studies of star structure and the origin of the chemical elements in stars. Francis Crick of DNA fame came up with a modified version of panspermia. Some articles published in Nature and Science lend some credibility to the hypothesis, long known as the hypothesis "that got no respect". One study published in Science shows that space rocks could transport life between planets. Other evidence is disputed, but this is similar to disputes within fields like evolutionary biology.
The panspermia and exogenesis hypotheses are plausible within the current knowledge of science. The Earth, according to the latest dating techniques, is about 4.6 billion years old. The Late Heavy Bombardment of the moon occurred 3.9 billion years ago. The first fossilized life--photosynthetic bacteria aggregates called stromatolites--are 3.5 billion years old. If life originated on Earth, then it occurred in a range of time from 3.9 to 3.5 billion years ago. If one were to assume life started in another part of the universe, life could have originated 12.7 billion years ago. Some bacteria can survive extreme conditions like high levels of radiation, being buried under a mile of Antarctic ice, or living near volcanic vents.
Scientists and many other people prefer simpler explanations. Most scientists consider geogenesis--life created on Earth--the default position. This only requires one step and not two steps: life forming elsewhere and being transported to Earth. But the number of steps cannot determine what is the "simplest" explanation. Geogenesis, although needing one step, requires a lot of stuff to happen in a relatively short amount of time.Intelligent design proponents on the Kansas State School Board claim that these standards will allow for "true academic freedom" and other values that an education should provide. I hope they allow science teachers in the state of Kansas to pursue other equally viable theories in the science curriculum standards. Not only in biology, but in other fields. Why should students be limited to gravity, as it is just a theory. There are viable hypotheses like the "glue particles" that prevent us from floating into the sky or maybe Intelligent Falling. Jacques Benveniste published fascinating works about water having a memory and the possibility of transferring such memories over the phone line. If his theories can be proven, this will be a momentous breakthrough in science. It might lure pharmaceutical companies into Kansas, thereby generating enough revenue to properly fund for education.
Why stop at science standards? This reform should occur in all educational standards--across the board revisions. The Kansas School Board should adopt the Tourism Board slogan: "As big as you think." Alternative theories on math. After all, people just assume that the multiplication tables are "true" because teachers "told them" they were true. It was the only "multiplication theory" they were taught. Social studies and geography? Just because the teacher tells the students that the country is called France, it doesn't mean it has to be called France. There should be discussion on other viable names like "Stinky Cheese Land." Shakespeare wrote all those plays? Just another theory. Yes, the current theory is based upon all currently known facts and observations, but there are holes that evidence cannot explain. His "plays" are too complex for a man with little formal education. There's an alternative book that states Bacon wrote the plays. Using the same methodology explained in the book, Bacon also wrote the Bible and other well-known works. It's still a viable theory which should be taught.
I hope the Kansas State Board of Education will take some time and consider this modest proposal on an alternative theory on the origins of life. I truly and sincerely believe the ideas that form the basis of this proposal can be extended into other fields like English, Social Studies, and Mathematics. Without allowing for alternative theories to be taught in the classrooms of Kansas, there will be no "true academic freedom." It would be a shame to deny the students of Kansas this worthy opportunity.