Tell Me Sweet Little Lies...

"Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)"
-Fleetwood Mac, Tell Me Lies

"By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing--
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying--
Lady make a note of this:
One of you is lying."
-Dorothy Parker


Greetings and welcome back to The Un-Zone, the site for all things related to Un or at least stuff that I find interesting. Either one is a valid description of this site for all menaingful intents and purposes. This post is a quasi-return to the semi-philosophical/random thoughts post I had when I first started this blog. Go figure.

Today's post is all about lying, but first, I must preface this with a "little" expository blurb on honesty. My mind works in a strange way, but it makes some sense when everything is written out, or so I hope. One can never be too sure with such things, even when such things are nicely planned out. This might sound like some sort of Dr. Phil-ish post, so please forgive me. Yeah. The opinions expressed in this post are solely the opinions of this blogger and not meant to be taken as actual advice. To begin...the following.

I. Honest Americans
Americans find immense pride in having an honest reputation. For some reason, all of the great leaders in American history were honest. George Washington (according to Parson Weems, a well-known exaggerator of the truth/story teller) was so honest, he could never tell a lie. Hence, the fabricated tale about a little George Washington cutting down a cherry tree. Go figure. The most famous "historical story" about Washington was a lie spread by a liar. OK, not a liar...forget it. Who can forget Abraham Lincoln, our esteemed 16th President? He earned the nickname of "Honest Abe," though his detractors called him "Butcher"(after several nasty Civil War battles like The Wilderness) and "The Great Northern Ape." Then again, nobody wants to be a country whose great leaders were liars, cheaters, and low-down scum. Wait, the founders of the United States were rebels. What's up with that? I digress.
Anyways, today, there seems to be a lack of honest leaders. For example, one can bring up Richard Nixon, or "Tricky Dick." That nickname is wrong on so many levels. "Tricky Dick"? Sounds like something from a porno movie. To add in a little equal-opportunity President bashing, one can also add in Bill Clinton, who had the title of "Slick Willy," another pornographic sounding, yet apt nickname. Monica Lewinsky might call him something else, but that's for another post.

II. The Value of Honesty in Relationships
It sounds so obvious, but it must be said. Honesty plays an important role in the formation of relationships, as well as keeping them stable. Some might disagree and say that deception plays a large role in the formation of relationships, as people stretch the truth when describing themselves and what they do. Or at least lying well enough to get someone naked into their bed. ("Honest, I really love you.") Anyways, as it has been said, honesty in a relationship leads to trust. Logically, if people are honest with eachother, it builds a certain level of trust. Once a certain level of trust has been reached, the relationship will generally stay stable, unless some deep, dark secret rears its ugly head, like that one time in Cancun where you got drunk...you know what I am getting at, I hope. Well, to get to the point, trust is the glue that keeps relationships together. Without trust, things fall apart into a million little pieces. We all know where Mr. Frey went wrong with his "truthful" memoir or lack of truth memoir. It's a lousy metaphor, but it works well enough in this section.
Once a relationship is stable and both sides agreee and other factors fall into place, a serious but casual relationship can evolve into a more serious "till death do us part" type deal. Implicit in the vows of "love, honor, and cherish" is honesty and trust. After all, without the honesty and trust, "till death do us part" might involve a loaded .357 magnum or some other nasty means of death. Which leads to a most strange aspect of relationships: why people lie in relationships.

III. Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
We have all told lies to people. Some people have told more lies than others. If lies were like icing, most people would be able to frost a wedding cake. Not just any ordinary wedding cake(is there such a thing as an "ordinary" wedding cake), but a muli-tiered, extravagant confection replete with many decorations. One that would make any person "ooh" and "aah" at the mere sight of it. Lying is not limited to humans of course. Our closest genetic match, the chimpanzee, is quite adept at deception. It's an evolutionary thing, or so scientists have speculated:

"If we speculate about the evolution of communication, it is evident that a very important stage in this evolution occurs when the organism gradually ceases to respond quite 'automatically' to the mood signs of another and becomes able to recognize the sign as a signal: that is, to recognize that the other individual's and its own signals are only signals, which can be trusted, distrusted, falsified, denied, amplified, corrected, and so forth" (Bateson 1955:40).

Then again, if deception is part of the evolution of communication and if it is, one could argue, hardwired into animals, then why do people tell the truth to perfect strangers like people we meet on the street, let alone shrinks during therapy sessions?
One could argue that we don't per se, love them like those we care about. To use "love" in such a way means to define it in a certain way also. One can "love" their girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, etc. in one way, but "love" another person in a similar, but different way. This also requires a different definition for "care" between the two classes. One does not have the same emotional and physical attachment with strangers than with those we care for. We could care less about what they think, well most of the times.
For instance, if one gets very drunk in a noisy bar, one might blab about secrets that they have never told anyone. The next morning, one hopes that everyone else was as equally drunk because they recognize what they have done. But while under the stupor of alcohol, one does not really think about what they are saying. In a crowded room, one might say the most shocking things, but since one is in a crowded room, all the conversations blend together. One will, most likely, never see the person again. If one does happen to meet that stranger again, it is highly unlikely anyone will remember anything.
Basically, when things are going down the tubes and when a person is under pressure, the person under pressure will lie. They are willing to lie because it appears to be the only solution to the sticky problem. We lie more to the people we love because we supposedly do not want to hurt them by telling them the truth. A lie that makes them feel better doesn't seem to be bad. Why bother telling them the truth when it could cause serious problems? But there lies the problem.

IV. Truth or Consequences: Conclusion
The main problem with telling a lie is obvious. People can and will find out the truth. Once your "loved one" discovers the deception, even bigger problems happen. The easiest person to deceive is yourself. Once you deceive yourself that telling a lie is the best solution, it becomes easier to tell that lie to the one you love. But "love" is so easy to redefine to suit one's mood.
If one has to resort to lying to keep a relationship together, it's very likely that the relationship really isn't a real relationship but a giant sham based upon deception. Such relationships are not the best ones to be stuck in. Tell the same lie you decieve yourself with to another person and that person will recognize how foolish it seems. Of course, it's easy to say this but hard to put into practice.
The next time you think it's a good time to lie to save a relationship, think hard about that decision. It may sound good, but it may hurt you later. Your "relationship" might be temporarily saved for a while, but once the truth is found out, the resulting breakup might be even worse.

Reference:
Bateson, Gregory (1955). "A Theory of Play and Fantasy." In Psychiatric Research Reports (Vol. 2), pp. 39-51


That's all for now.