Anyways...this post will combine creative writing and televangelists, two topics that make for strange bedfellows. Actually, the combination isn't as strange as it seems. It does take quite a bit of creativity to come up with a sermon every week. But, the kind of creativity I'm thinking of, well, is more on the side of satire than sainthood. If you get the drift of what I'm saying.
The following piece was inspired by a writing assignment for a Humor Writing class I took at Harvard. The original piece I wrote was a parody of a funeral speech. The ones where the friend of the deceased go on about how great the person was in life. How kind they were...that stuff. So, taking that as inspiration, I wrote a mock televangelist sermon, complete with promos to giving "love gifts" to the ministry. And some other little surprises. One could consider it my satirical and pessimistic view to organized religion. Don't get me wrong. I find the principles and teachings (loving others, being moral, etc) to be good, but the actual practice by some of those who claim to be "religious" to be spiritually lacking.
If you are easily offended or just plain offended by material that makes fun of religion, I suggest you go to a different website. There are many fine websites out there. For everyone else, read on.
As a world renowned evangelist, people have asked many questions of great importance like "How do I accept Jesus into my life," "Does God really forgive all my sins," and "How does the defendant plead to the charge of tax evasion." Yes, these questions are important, especially the last one. The ideal answer to the last question is to plea "Guilty," but only after you make a bargain. I answered "Guilty" once before making a plea bargain thinking that I would get a light punishment, but I didn’t. That was WAY off topic, but it is an important lesson to learn, because I never made that mistake again when I was charged with embezzling millions from the last church I was pastor at. Whoops. That came out wrong.
As much as I would like to give legal advice to all the other liars, cheats, and religious figures out there, this column is for spiritual advice. The number one question that I have been asked is "How do I divert church funds to off-shore, tax-free accounts in the Cayman Islands?" Just kidding. That is not the number one question asked. It’s only number two. The number one question asked is "How is it possible to be a ‘false’ Christian?" Yes, how can a person be a "false" Christian? As an unrepentant sinner, I should know what being a "false" Christian was like, before I turned to the all mighty dollar…I mean God. However, the dollar is quite mighty when it comes to helping Olive Branch Ministries meet its financial goal of five million dollars this year. So, if you believe in Jesus Christ and that this ministry is sending out an uplifting, powerful message, shout out "Hallelujah" and please make a "love gift" to Olive Branch Ministries, PO BOX 273, Topeka, Kansas, 66601. With every generous donation of $100, you will receive an autographed copy of my book, Making Money by Using the Name of God. This book is an excellent guide on how to make money by using the IRS loophole for non-profit organizations, namely religious organizations. It’s as easy as sinning! I should know. Yes, I am wandering off subject. What was it? Ah…who will win the Dolphins-Raiders game today at four? I say Raiders by 10. Put $500 on the Raiders. Sorry. We were talking about "false" Christians. How can someone be a "false" Christian? Let’s use a story.
For instance, let’s say that there is a person named Paul. I know that this is my name, but remember, this is a story, and that stories, sometimes, are not real…just like me being an ordained minister. Got you! It was just a joke. I am an ordained minister…well…I did receive my Divinity degree and I did pass all of the tests and stuff. Wait…shoot. My twin brother took the test for me and he put in my name and information on the tests. I paid him to take my tests for me, since everyone at the Divinity school knew that I was…damn. I knew that I should have never drunk that bottle of Jack Daniels…or was it that $3,000 bottle of wine I bought using church funds? Well…now that I have confessed to everything, well nearly everything, you now should know what a "false" Christian is. Before I write my resignation letter and drown my sorrows with booze, drugs and easy women…not necessarily in that order…I would like to say a quick prayer before God strikes me dead because I did not cheat you out of…wait…raise twenty million dollars today.
Dear God, I know that I do not deserve to be a minister. I am, however, a very rich sinner, since I have stolen all the money from the congregation. I electronically transferred the money in their bank accounts to my Swiss bank account. Please tell them that if they wish to have me transfer their funds back, each and everyone must "donate" half of their money to the ministry. In your name we pray…and I steal, Amen. Before I leave, I must tell my faithful listeners and viewers that they are part of my congregation; the same applies to you. May the Lord bless and keep you…SUCKERS! HALLELUAH and AMEN!
Now, didn't that fill you up with the Holy Spirit of God? Remember, God LOVES you, just as long as you give your 10 percent. That's all for now.
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