An April Update

Greetings and welcome back to The Un-Zone, the only known site on the Internet devoted to all things related to Un. It's been a while since I've done an update to this site, so today is just as good as any other day to post up an update.

I've been going into a a weird (even for myself) mental and physical state as of lately. I alternate between days of feeling like I'm flying high and then I go into a state where I think I'm a total failure at what I do. And some days, I'll go through all of them at once. Some days, I just want to bury myself and hide from everything and not face the day. I just don't want to wake up, which is another thing that's weird as I am a morning person and waking up is not much of a problem. Sometimes, waking up is the problem, as in the bouts of insomnia.
In addition, I'm becoming more and more forgetful. Much more that usual. I misplace stuff and I forget where I've put it. I rarely, almost never, misplace things. To me, not being able to find something, no matter how minor, is scary. It means I'm not being careful. I guess I'm one of those people who has to have everything in its place or near its place for me to feel like things are all right.
Deadlines don't mean so much any more. I generally get things done early, really early, so I can have time to do other things. Now it's like, "I've got until . That's two, three months away. Plenty of time." And time goes by and I'm now barely getting thing in before they're due. It's not good. I should be more on top of things. And then I beat myself up for this. And I enter the depressive state. Maybe I might change to a more happy state. And the cycle repeats again.
Even when I'm doing things that I enjoy, it becomes a problem. Like when I did the Stand Up Stand Off Finals last week. The beginning is going fine. Got some laughs. And then I just can't do my routine. It was scripted and had transitions. I just lost it. To be honest, I had an even better one, but I couldn't use it due to the events at Virginia Tech. (The joke was a "What's the worst thing that could happen if you make fun of an Asian? They don't do your laundry? They don't help you do your homework? They put chicken in your chicken fried rice?") The joke would have been in poor taste considering an Asian guy killed 33 people, including himself and injured just as many. The middle was terrible. I kind of redeemed myself in the end, but not enough. It wasn't good. It was having one of those nights where I just bombed, as it goes in the stand-up comic parlance. Terrible. And I beat myself up for that. And I began the cycle of wondering why I even have dreams of being a stand-up comic or at least being a funny guy for that matter. It's irrational to think this way, but it happens. More and more often.

Maybe this is the price I pay for not being so emotionally open and honest with myself and others. Maybe this is a sign of something. Or I'm just being irrational about this entire episode. I just don't know anymore. How I long for the world of black and white answers and not shades of gray.


That's all for now.