Corporate Donor Naming Ideas

Greetings and welcome back to The Un-Zone, the only site on the Internet totally devoted to all things related to Un. It's time for an update.

Recently, actually, about a week ago, the KU Law administration said that instead of repairing the faulty air conditioning equipment, they have decided to buy a brand new system. Which is greatly needed, as they old system was breaking down at least once a semester and always when it was at least 90 degrees outside. The bad news is that it will take at least March 2007 before the system in bought and installed and fully (hopefully, fingers crossed) functional.
It would suck worse than a cheap $2 whore in a seedy Bangkok brothel(no personal knowledge about this experience) if the heating system broke down during the winter, but I doubt that will be too much of a problem. After all, this is a law school and copious amounts of hot air is produced every day. There should be plenty of hot air to heat the entire law school and I doubt production would decrease.
It's probably due to budget cuts and counting every penny that has led to this problem. You've got to have enough funds to pay for everything and well, if you're a state funded school, sometimes, you have to suck up and accept a cut in your budget. Then you pass it on to the students who pay an increase of 20% in tuition costs to make up for the deficit. And it is still not enough.
The law school has corporate donors and recently, several law school classrooms were named after these generous donors. I've got some other objects and places in the law school that can be named after corporate donors.

1. CLOCKS
Clocks are a metaphor for lawyers. Both ruthlessly keep track of minutes and both are produced in large numbers. Once could add in usefulness, but that is highly debatable. At least for some lawyers.
There is another bonus. Law school students will look up at the clock constantly, named or unnamed. Most count down the time until a particularly boring class is over. None shall be named. Hey, it is the only time anyone, especially law school students, look up to lawyers for anything. Maybe if they want to know how to be unethical according to a recent poll.

2. FLOOR TILES
This may look like a totally useless suggestion, but think about this. If people are willing to pay a hundred bucks for a brick with their name on it, a law firm can pony up a thousand bucks for a measly floor tile that may or may not be made out of real stone. Unless you are a real penny-pincher or you are that poor. If you fall into one of those categories, the law school definitely does not want you as a corporate donor.
Floor tiles are highly symbolic, just like clocks. It provides a level of immense satisfaction for angry people to stomp on a law firm once in their lifetime instead of getting run over by a law firm. We all have heard of these stories before or have been part of such story. Think of this action as building positive community relationships with lawyers.

3. HVAC SYSTEM
Considering the state of disrepair and how often the HVAC system breaks down (not scheduled to be up and running until March 2007), a brand new HVAC system would be welcome right now. Seriously, as it gets hot in the law school. Very hot. Hotter that you can possibly imagine, unless you live in the Sahara.
If you can generously donate enough money to buy an HVAC system, that would be great and would save money budgeted for overpriced and distincly modern looking furniture that are boxes designed by a bald Scandinavian working for Ikea with a doctorate in an arcane field like body ergonomics and kinesiology.
Until this happens, the law school may connect your name with the current HVAC system and you shall be known as the law firm that blows out large amounts of hot air throughout the year and breaks down constantly.

4. BATHROOM
This option can be a mixed blessing. You get a room named after you but it is the bathroom. Who wants to have a bathroom named after your firm? Nothing is safe from crude jokes. Even the most straight laced adult can make up bathroom jokes. The sinks aren’t safe. "Washing our responsibility away like Pontius Pilate." Paper towel dispensers are not safe. And you can come up with a lot of jokes about toilets and urinals. “Don’t pass up this opportunity: work for (insert law firm name). Call now by flushing.” or "Pissing your dollars away" or “Just like this toilet, the law may look crystal clear, but we all know both are full of...”
By paying a small sum, your law firm can have a naming ceremony plus an additional commemorative plaque installed with a 500-character limit. No restrictions in what you can say at the ceremony or what you can engrave on the plaque. First Amendment Rights and restrictions on free speech apply. The possibilities are endless unless your firm actually has impeccable ethics, plays fair and would not even think about ruining the reputation of other law firms.

5. SPECIAL OPTIONS
By paying an additional ad valorem fee, currently pegged at 10% of your donation, your law firm can hold a naming ceremony. At the naming ceremony, your law firm is allowed 30 minutes for any remarks that your law firm may want to make. Since this is a law school, the law school is a public forum and all opinions, no matter how inflammatory, are welcome.
In addition to the naming ceremony, by paying this fee, your law firm will have to opportunity to have an additional decorative plaque installed. This plaque can be engraved with 500 characters of your choice. As with the speech, anything is allowed, but within applicable First Amendment restraints.


That's all for now. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to include your suggestions in the comments section.